


Is That Courage or Faith, to Show Up Every Day?

by TARDISTraveller42



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kathryn Janeway Needs a Hug, POV Kathryn Janeway, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:01:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29478876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TARDISTraveller42/pseuds/TARDISTraveller42
Summary: Kathryn Janeway wakes with the usual anxieties and troubled thoughts. Is she good enough for her crew? Is she making the right decisions? What is it that keeps her going, even though the road through the Delta Quadrant is long and treacherous?A morning on the Bridge - her Bridge - reminds her of the answers.
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway & Voyager Crew
Kudos: 7





	Is That Courage or Faith, to Show Up Every Day?

Is That Courage or Faith, to Show Up Every Day?

Kathryn sat up. Kathryn stood up. Kathryn sat back down.

That familiar ache settled in her gut; the one that she’d never go to Sickbay about. The Doctor couldn’t fix guilt. Was this guilt? It sure felt like it. But what did she have to feel guilty about?

She shook her head, standing again. She couldn’t - wouldn’t - start that conversation in her head again: the one that dissected all of her poor decisions, all of the agonized choices she’d made in these past few years. Tuvix. The conflict with the Kazon. Destroying the Caretaker’s array in the first place. She could get lost for hours in such rumination. 

Forcing her legs to comply - Ah, right, the Borg; another terrible, messy situation that could have gotten herself and her entire crew killed - and walked toward the bathroom. She was due on the Bridge in less than half an hour. First she’d need to eat, or at least humor Neelix enough that he wouldn’t go telling the Doctor about her terrible eating habits (or lack thereof). And she needed to get into uniform. 

Her crew needed a captain. And a captain needed to be larger than life.

The cool water Kathryn splashed onto her face helped in the waking-up process. Her eyes widened slightly as they took in the image in the mirror. She certainly wasn’t at her best, with the dark circles beneath her eyes, but she’d commanded this ship on far less sleep and far more exhaustion. She could certainly handle today.

“Bridge to Captain Janeway,” Harry’s voice filtered through the Comm Badge sitting on her bedside table. 

Kathryn’s lips turned into a slight smile as she wiped her hands into a towel. Harry had been so young at the start of this journey. Now he sounded like such a grown-up; a man on his way to be a commander someday. Another pang of guilt hit, as she realized it was she who stranded this boy in the Delta Quadrant, holding him hostage on her doomed ship until he’d left childhood behind. 

But again, Kathryn shook these thoughts out of her head. She couldn’t think about it. That was best left for nighttime.

“Go ahead, Mr. Kim.”

“We’ve located a Type Four Nebula on long range sensors. There are some interesting fluctuations in the magnetic field, but otherwise it’s pretty standard. Should we take a closer look, or stay on our current heading?”

Here it was: another one of those fateful decisions. Does she go off course to investigate a scientific anomaly, possibly risking life or limb if they run into trouble? Or does she stay on track toward the Alpha Quadrant? Does she choose to be a scientist or a captain today? Live to the fullest, damn the consequences, or play it safe?

“Let’s stay on track,” she decided. “But make a note in the log.”

“Will do,” he said. The Comm line closed a moment later.

Kathryn released a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding. Every choice felt like life or death (because it often _was_ ). Every day she felt further from herself, her crew, her mission, all of it. 

It was all so simple when she was dressed and on the Bridge and in the middle of a crisis. That was when she _felt_ like a captain. That was when her mind was fixed on so many variables that it simply couldn’t remind her of her messy, complicated life in the Delta Quadrant. Her brain couldn’t bully her when she was working.

It was these damned mornings and evenings she couldn’t quite get control of. The darkness of her quarters made her feel isolated. The alien stars in the distance gave little comfort. And was it her imagination, or were her eyes becoming dimmer; more rigid in the way they held her own gaze in the mirror?

Kathryn stepped back into her bedroom. Kathryn took her uniform out of the closet. Kathryn got dressed.

…………… …………………… ……………….. ………………… ………

“Good morning, Captain,” Tuvok said from his usual station. As always, he was ten minutes early and already recalibrating his sensors.

“Good morning.” Kathryn took a large swig of coffee and gave Tuvok one of her brightest smiles. A quick trip to the Mess Hall and you’d think she was a different person. Maybe that was the magic of coffee.

Maybe that was the magic of pushing her fears to the back of her mind, saving them for when her shift ended tonight.

Harry stood to welcome her with a PADD outstretched in his hand. 

“Morning report,” he smiled, setting his hands behind his back and standing up straight. “A few crewman came down with some space sickness while they were running some simulations on the Holodeck, but the Doc says they’ll be fine by the end of the day. Seven wants to speak to you about some upgrades to the main console in Astrometrics. But other than that, we had a pretty routine night.”

“Did you make a note of that nebula you saw?”

“It’s all taken care of,” said Harry. “Actually, it turned out to be a standard nebula. I’m kind of glad we decided not to investigate.”

Kathryn’s lips turned up into a smile. Her eyes rose to meet Harry’s, and she nodded her admiration.

“Good work, Ensign.” 

She watched Harry hurry off of the Bridge to start his break, taking another swig of coffee. Just as he entered the Turbolift, Chakotay exited. He met Kathryn’s eyes with a smile and a quick eye toward her coffee.

“Already on cup three, I assume?” he joked.

“Only one so far today.”

He snapped his fingers. “I can never tell.”

They shared a smile; hopefully the first of many today. And already, Kathryn felt better. Already she felt like a captain again. In control. Surrounded by allies, friends, family.

Everyone was at their posts, taking notes or checking sensors. Some of them joked with each other, while others worked hard at their personal tasks. Kathryn couldn’t help but smile as she watched them. They made her so proud; every single one of them. They meant so much to her. Even in these small, seemingly insignificant moments, she felt unspeakable love for all of them.

Perhaps, _especially_ in these small, seemingly insignificant moments.

“I have some personnel reports for you,” Chakotay said, handing off yet another PADD with a barely-contained chuckle. “There are some interesting stories to report this morning.”

“Already?”

“They cornered me outside of my quarters,” he murmured, sitting at his usual seat as Kathryn sank into her own. “A few crewmen have birthdays coming up...all on the same day. They each requested Holodeck time, all between 1800 and 2400 next Friday. But none of them got it.”

“Oh?” Kathryn asked, leaning her arms on the console between their seats so she could get closer. 

“Apparently Fridays are Tom and B’Elanna’s date night, which they say they haven’t had in ‘weeks’, the Doctor’s opera night, and Ensign Vorik’s Vulcan prayer night.”

Kathryn furrowed her brows.

“Remind me never to try and book Holodeck time on Fridays.”

“Likewise,” Chakotay sighed. “I don’t know how we’ve managed so far without an issue, but now that’s coming back to bite us in the rear.”

“I’ll tell you what,” Kathryn said, letting an amused smile touch her lips. “I’ll give Tom and B’Elanna Thursday night off, we’ll set up some Holo-emitters in Cargo Bay One for Ensign Vorik, and I’ll convince the Doctor to move his opera to Saturday morning. Then we’ll let the crewmen have their birthday parties all night.

“Good luck with that.” Chakotay smirked as he clicked through the sensor reports on his console. “You’ve got some strong personalities to contend with there.” 

“What’s a captain for?”

They shared a smile, and then Chakotay shook his head as he released a breath.

“I owe you one after this,” he said.

“How about sharing my second cup of coffee this morning?” 

They met each other’s glistening eyes. 

“Deal,” said Chakotay.

As they started toward her Ready Room, Kathryn paused for a moment to simply breathe. She was okay. She was on duty, and she was okay. Her crew loved her; that was not only her feeling, that was the truth. And she loved her crew enough to deal with whatever storms came to her in the night. 

She would continue to show up for them. And they would continue to show up for her, too. Every day, all day, until they reached the Alpha Quadrant.

This fact was worth her bad nights. 

This fact was worth her bad mornings.

This crew, this ship, this family...was worth it all.


End file.
